2005-12-07 - 1:43 p.m.

It has come to my attention that we are not doing enough to steal Christmas. You, my left-wing breathren, know as well as I do that the focus of the liberal sociopolitical movement is to make sure that white male Christians suffer and are completely disinfranchised. But really, we've gotta get organized here if we're going to continue to persecute this country's most popular religion and utterly demolish it.

I mean, I'm supposed to send high-priced ACLU lawyers to sue anyone who goes to church on Christmas Eve or who sets up a holiday tree in their house and dares to call it a Christmas tree, but no one has given me their numbers. In fact, the only thing I've heard from the ACLU lately is that they had received my check for my membership renewal.

Also, we may have been able to persuade major chains to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", thus ensuring that anyone picking up an extra roll of duct tape and some tube socks at Wal-Mart will have their entire faith shattered by a bored cashier, but Christmas music and Christmas movies are still being played on privately-owned television and radio networks. This needs to stop.

Don't forget to keep spreading the lies about American being founded by secular deists! We don't want any of those fundamentalists to learn that this really is a Christian country, founded on Christian values, and that when the First Amendment says that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, the framers just conveniently forgot to add "unless that religion is Christianity and everyone else can go back to whatever country they came from, even if they were born here anyway." Oh wait.

If you need any ideas on how to destory Christmas, here's a good book that will help you. If you're like me, you just won't rest until everyone lives in an ultra-PC athiest world with no moral values and poor hygeine, and where Christians are not only forced to share the stage with other religious-types who live in their neighborhoods, but are wiped off the face of the earth entirely.

YOU HEAR ME, FOX NEWS? OUR GIGANTIC LIBERAL SECULARIST CONSPIRACY IS OUT! WE'LL BE COMING TO YOUR HOUSE TO STEAL YOUR PRESENTS NEXT!!!

n.b. I actually rather like the non-mass-produced Classic Christmas season. This War on Christmas nonsense and the obligatory Christmas-Season-Begins-Before-Halloween madness is a little grating, though.