2005-09-28 - 5:27 p.m.

Things I Learned from Would You Like to Know More About the Bible?, c.2001, Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania (found on the street):

• The Bible is unlike any other book - it contains loving instruction from God. Please disregard the entire Old Testament, especially Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Also, the part where God tries to attack Moses, so Moses's wife cuts off their son's foreskin and throws it at God. (Exodus 4:24-25, I am not kidding about this.)

• [K]nowing the truth about what happens after we die frees us from fear that the dead can harm us. Well, finally. I've been terrified of the coming Zombie invasion for *years*.

• Knowing the truth about wicked angels alerts us to the dangers of spiritism and helps us to understand why there is so much trouble on earth. Oh, thanks. I'm not afraid of zombies any more, but now I'm afraid of the WICKED ANGELS (there has *got* to be a band with that name, somewhere).

• God will soon transform the earth into a paradise. Well, He's taking His sweet time about it.

• Bible-based publications, such as the brochure "What does God Require of Us?", will help you to understand Scriptual references on a variety of subjects. Amazingly, this pamphlet is also available from the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I promise to post any hate mail I get in re: this entry.