2004-08-20 - 11:23 a.m.

Does Hollywood even make comedies anymore? I say this because, judging by the current crop of previews, not one of the "comedies" seems to contain an actual "joke," let alone anything "funny." If Hollywood would like to hire me to "punch up" the screenplays, I've got some examples of my work:

Offender #1: Without a Paddle

"Joke": Several young men are in a cabin with an older, woodsy fellow who is cooking. Young Man #1 says, "Mmm, bacon." "It's squirrel," explains the Older Man. A Second Young Man (or the first, I can't bloody tell them apart, says, in the same tone of voice, "Mmm, squirrel."

Explanation of Joke: It relies on the unexpected - Young Man #1 thinks it is bacon cooking, when actually it's *squirrel*. Then, we expect that Young Man #2 would be grossed out, when in fact he seems to *like* the idea of eating squirrel.

What Went Wrong and How to Fix It: If playing The Oregon Trail and reading cookbooks have taught me anything, squirrel is not, actually, an unpleasant thing to eat. So if "squirrel" were replaced by something that actually *is* unpleasant, like, say, "diseased carrion", the joke would be a lot funnier. Also, the reply to "squirrel" is rather ambiguous. Does the young man actually like squirrel? Is he being sarcastic? Did he hear the earlier exchange? The joke would be hilarious if he popped into the room, took a whiff of what was cooking, and said, "Ah! Diseased carrion! It's like a picnic on the Thames!" in all earnestness.

Offender #2: SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2

"Joke": A small child encased in an inflatable ball bounces around the room. He then says - get this - "I like bouncing!"

Explanation of Joke: Well, see, babies usually... the kid had previously expressed distaste for... Aw, hell, I dunno. This shows no traces of humor whatsover. It's like some super-concentrated form of Anti-Humor. If it came into contact with humor, it would explode.

What Went Wrong and How To Fix It: This movie was filmed and released to the public. It is a sequel to Baby Geniuses, a film so tremendously horrible and unfunny as to have earned a permanent place in the IMDB's Bottom 100 films. My god, this movie was worse than three separate Police Academy movies. This message board post completely sums up my feelings about the sequel. The only way this film could be redeemed is if the producers burn it and all promotional materials and use the resulting heat to cook hot, nutritious meals for underprivileged children.

Seriously. When you watch these awful, awful trailers, remember: THESE ARE THE JOKES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE. THIS IS THE BEST THE FILMMAKERS HAVE TO OFFER.

ADDENDUM: A closer viewing of the "Without a Paddle" commercial confirms that it is the first Young Man who utters the "Mmm, squirrel," line. The second is merely standing around in the background. The fact that I have seen this commercial about 9 billion times and haven't noticed this before is an even greater testiment to what a crappy awful movie this is.