2003-10-03 - 9:58 a.m.

When I was 13 or 14, I got glasses and braces in the same week. It's a good thing I wasn't actually popular, because that's the kind of thing that really would have hurt my social standing.

The glasses bit didn't really bother me. Actually, I was supposed to have worn glasses since third grade, but I had decided back then that I didn't really need them, as I could see perfectly fine through my right eye (my left eye is the legally blind one - 20/300). However, by eighth grade, the squinting and headaches were getting to be too much, so off to the optomitrist I went. I had two small disappointments: there were no John Lennon-style frames available, and wearing glasses screwed up my depth perception, and my newfound passion for darts was ruined.

The braces were another thing. I firmly believed that I did not need braces (I seemed to be in the habit of making medical decisions for myself when I was a child). Plus, I don't know if this was my orthodontist, but braces really really hurt. And remember, this is coming from someone who's had her eardrum rupture and who's been kicked in the head by someone who meant to kick a soccer ball the entire length of the field. Getting the braces put on and tightened is quite painful. Also, one of the things the ortho gave me was a packet of wax to put on the sharp wire ends so they wouldn't slice up my mouth, which they did, wax or not.

I lost about 10 pounds with the braces, because it hurt to eat for about three days after they were tightened, and afterwards I didn't feel much like eating anyway. Mind you, I was about 113 pounds when I got them put on.

The worst part, though, was the rubber bands. You've probably seen people with braces who have the rubber bands linking the canines to the back molars. Mine linked my canines to my front bottom teeth, making it difficult to *open my mouth*. So I didn't talk much with the braces on, but then, I didn't talk much anyway. I was a morose sort of lass, you see.

I'm still supposed to wear the retainer. The orthodontist said I should wear it at night for the rest of my life. Fuck that noise, I haven't worn it for years and my teeth are fine (the dentists have confirmed this). Besides, I wouldn't care if my teeth migrated up into my brain, I'm not wearing that damn thing ever again.

I guess the good part of all this is that if a Humphrey Bogart-type asked me now where I was ten years ago, I could reply, Ingrid Bergman-fashion, "I was having a brace put on my teeth." Good ol' Casablanca.