2002-12-27 - 8:21 p.m.

Christmas Specials That Should Have Existed:

1) Mysterious Cities of Gold: Esteban tells Zia and Tao about Christmas. They tell him about the winter holidays they celebrate, and everyone realizes that deep down, their cultures aren't so different after all. Then Mendoza reminds them that any natives who refuse to convert to Catholicism will be brutally slaughtered. Then he laughs inappropriately for about five minutes.

2) Inhumaniods: D. Compose sells his ribcage to buy Tendril some tentacle moisturizer. Tendril sells his tentacles to buy D. Compose some ribcage polish. They learn the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. Meanwhile, Metlar, who hasn't celebrated Christmas since the 1200s, cuts down one of the Living Redwoods to use as a Yule Log...

3) G.I. Joe: Yeah, I know there was a G.I. Joe Christmas episode. But was there a Christmas episode in which they call a WW2-style cease-fire? Was there a Christmas episode in which Cobra Commander sang Christmas carols? Think about it...

4) Spartacus: Would a Christmas episode be inappropriate? Did this show take place on earth? Shit, I watched the whole series when I was a kid and read several webpages about it recently, and I *still* don't know. Damn show was just too weird. They could use the Spartacus Christmas Episode to reveal that Spartacus is made completely out of chopped ham, and we'd take it in stride.

5) Captain Planet: Just for the record, I hated that stupid show with a passion usually reserved for my hatred of Fox News. But it would have been nice to have a "Holiday Episode", where each of the damn kids celebrated a different holiday, if just so they'd actually be somewhat multicultural. Not that I would have watched it.